No more…

So over the last couple of months the thought of putting myself through IVF again has played heavily on my mind. After A LOT of hurdles, it wouldn’t be fair on George to see us do it again.

ICSI, OHSS, transfer, low betas, heartbeat 💗, miscarriage, FET, pregnancy, gestational diabetes, IUGR, kidney difficulties (stage 3 kidney disease), preeclampsia, emergency C section at 34 weeks, feeding difficulties, 3 weeks in NICU, kidney reflux, acid reflux, CMPA, cerebral palsy….

it’s like it’s just not written in the stars for us. We are utterly blessed to have George he is just the happiest kid on the planet. I feel so sad that my baby days are (probably unless some miracle happens) over. But I’ve really had to consider George in all of this, he needs me at my best not constantly worrying or upset. So we made the phone call to cancel our appointment. I’m not going to lie I do resent those that it comes easy to and don’t even appreciate their kids but it’s not their fault. We’re all different I suppose! I believe I must have another purpose in the future and I’m intrigued to find out what it is.

How can I be sad with the happiest, most beautiful, face in the world admiring me?!

Turning two

So my baby is 2 tomorrow. He is still a baby to me and I’m in denial about him growing up! I’m sat here exhausted after running around all day, organising, wrapping, buying, building toys, blowing balloons… all ready for a happy little boy in the morning.

I’m so emotional it’s given me a migraine. I think it’s just dawned on me that the birthdays don’t just reflect his time on earth, but they are also a reminder of the day he was born. A day of confusion, anxiety, shock and separation. No cuddles for this mama on that magical day. My only comfort was knowing he was alive. With someone else caring for him. Changing his first nappy. Obviously a massive blessing after everything we went through and that’s all I cared about at the time but I find myself being jealous of those mums on the telly and in Facebook groups gushing about that magical moment their babies are handed to them. All plump and healthy. Crying and feeding without help. I feel physically sick thinking about those moments being robbed from us both and how vulnerable my little angel was. We did bond at first touch though, and the bond is indescribable, a love like no other. Like every single emotion and feeling all wrapped up in a tiny bubble ready to pop at the first threat.

You’re probably reading this thinking how depressing it sounds considering it’s a birthday celebration, but it’s just a passing thought that will be gone by the time I see that infectious smile in the morning. I like to remember all thoughts I had because your brain has a funny way of remembering what you want it too, so making a note helps you remember and reflect on these times.

Tomorrow, we will eat cake, open presents, see family, play and sing. But he’s still a baby. My little baby.

Un-sleeping beauty

A small, soft, warm hand resting on my forearm.

George is under the weather this week and has wanted his mummy a lot more than usual. Cuddles galore! Lucky me. It can feel suffocating sometimes when I’m trying to unload the dishwasher or make his lunch and he’s crying around my ankles wanting picked up. When my mum is trying to comfort him while I’m away in the kitchen and he’s crying for me. The house is upside down because I cannot move without causing upset.

Bed time comes and I get a feeling of dread because I just want to sleep because if one of us is under the weather, then so is the other.

I just about to close my eyes and the monitor scares me with a loud noise. Oh George. I go through to him sat upright rubbing his beautiful eyes with a quivering lip holding his arms out for me. I find his beloved dody (pacifier) and pick him up. I sat rocking him in my arms at the end of my bed in the dark for what feels like a whole night, singing songs in my head as judgement of time. Finally!! He’s settled again. I stand up to take him back to his bed but he feels the upcoming separation and wakes with wide eyes and a firm grip on my pyjama top. A look of fear! Oh George. I’m too tired for this nonsense just come and sleep in mummy’s bed. He tosses and turns, pulls my hair, sticks his fingers in my ear. Then suddenly…. he rests knowing he’s safe with mummy.

I feel a small, soft, warm hand resting on my forearm and then as if by magic all my annoyance melts into love. I’m his mummy and he’s my baby. When he needs me, dam sure I’ll be there. His touch still feels surreal to me, I still cannot believe I got this lucky. That tiny hand I grew inside of me. That hand only wanting to feel mummy’s warm touch. How can I stay angry?

Night all

Baby no2

Well hello!

I haven’t posted in such a long time so I thought I’d share a little update.

George is now 20 months old and the most beautiful child I’ve ever seen. He’s walking and trying to talk, he’s cheeky, loving and has THE BEST sense of humour already. He goes to nursery twice a week and is a socialite. His reflux issues are now behind him thank god and his allergies are becoming mild. We are however still awaiting a possible diagnosis for left sided cerebral palsy. If he does have it it’s extremely mild and hopefully won’t cause him much of a set back in life.

So!

Now we are thinking of baby no2! We just love George so freaking much and would like another. I’ve put some weight on which I’m trying to tackle and money was an issue, but my husbands parents have been very generous and offered to help us with the cost of a FET. Firstly we were thinking of starting the process next year but now we’re thinking of just getting started sooner rather than later. I’m 33 now and realistically it’s going to get harder the older I am.

First step is to get the gp to refer us again so that’s what we shall do! I will follow up with any updates soon. So excited! But also so very nervous after my difficult pregnancy and birth, followed by stint in NICU but when I see his face, all that pain is a very distant memory.

9 months old

I haven’t updated in a while! 

George is 9 months old now, he’s a pure joy. He is happy and loud haha. He’s had a few problems which we’ve had to learn about including a cows milk allergy, kidney reflux, acid reflux, eczema and he’s a bit delayed with his development but we’re getting there. He’s only recently learned how to sit unaided and is still quite wobbly. He can now roll but took him a while. Isn’t interested in trying to crawl but is happiest on his feet and if supported well will attempt steps. The most important thing is though, he’s happy regardless. He sleeps through the night. When you walk in his room on a morning he gives you the biggest loveliest smile and is so excited to see you. He loves his family. He loves to laugh. He loves his pushchair. And he loves fish (to watch not eat haha) and our cat Minnie – she also loves him. He hates too much noise, he doesn’t like people being loud when he’s tired. He doesn’t like overly lumpy food haha. And judging by today he definitely doesn’t like lemon yet. He is the apple of his mummy’s eye. 

Would we have more? This is a question that is sitting heavily on my heart at the moment. I would really love a brother or sister for George but there are so many obstacles in our way and it’s deciding whether or not we can put ourselves through them. We would have to decide whether we transfer 1 or 2 embryos as we’re paying for the next round – this is a huge decision as we’ve only transferred 1 on both occasions and got pregnant. But we can only afford to pay once so would be daft not to maximise our chances. Money!! Can we really afford it? Like travel, childcare, medication etc. Space! We only have 2 bedrooms! So, we’d need to think about moving – which we’d like to do anyway but we’d be forced really. Health! This is my biggest concern. Can my body take another pregnancy? I’m just not good at it really with the gestational diabetes, high blood pressure and CKD. Chances are they’d have to be born early again and I’m not sure I can cope with the nicu life again 😓 

So… all those things considered, I’ve mentioned adoption to my husband who has since heavily hinted he’d prefer just to have George. As a person who has an older sibling and many cousins, it bothers me that George would not have that bond with age-similar relatives. And I know I could love a kid that needed me. I’ve had the whole pregnancy and baby experience now and I think I could do it. But it’s not just me that I need to think about. Anyway, there’s no rush I suppose. But the thought is there simmering away. 

Pics of George for update

6 months…

Hello!!

Thought I’d update since haven’t for a while. So George Louie Barker is 6 months old on Monday! Can’t quite believe it but it’s true. Our gorgeous little boy is a bundle of energy. I always knew I’d love my baby (obviously) but nothing can quite prepare you for the bond. My clever guy goes to bed at 7pm after a fun day with mammy, and when he goes to bed, what do I do? Yep! Watch him on the monitor, look at pictures of him and talk about him to my husband! The change in his recently is extraordinary. He is now 16lb2oz and going from 5th centile for his adjusted age to 50th centile for his actual age, he’s smashed the catching up in half the time he should. I’m so proud of him. He’s happy, inquisitive, nosey, aware, playful, and overall a pure joy. My only problem is, he makes me want more!! I’m not pretending it isn’t hard work of course it’s not easy but I was definitely meant to be with him. 

Anyway, for him if he ever reads this back. He’s currently weaning (very well), he loves his food. Particularly sweet potato and parsnips. He’s enjoying having rusks for his breakfast this week too! He’s just learnt how to grab things and put them near his mouth to suck/chew as he’s teething and there is drool everywhere haha. He absolutely HATES bath time and I’ve tried everything but for now he screams the whole time he’s in there until I wrap him in a fluffy towel where he looks like butter wouldn’t melt 

He’s such a giggler! He has his family in fits of laugher as he randomly chortles. He craves attention and shouts for it, especially girls in uniforms (gets that from his grandad I think!) like nurses and waitresses. He is loving the teletubbies at the moment and giggles even at me singing the theme song. He sleeps 7pm-6/7am and wakes up happy. He hates the hairdryer and most other loud noises. 

It was his christening on Sunday 

And we had a lovely family day. I couldn’t be more proud of my ivf miracle, former preemie, cows milk allergy superstar. Another one? I do hope so!! 

Negative!

Oh well. That was a short ride! I rang the docs this morning who confirmed whatever was there is no more. I look at George and am grateful for my miracle. It gives us hope for the future though. Que sera! 

What?!

Ok! So, this week I decided I would finally go and get this cough looked at that I’ve had for weeks on & off, it’s gotten really weazy the last couple of days or so so I presumed it’s a chest infection that needs antibiotics. I did a pregnancy test before going as I am a few days late. 

I’m not sure if you can see but there was the faintest vertical line going through the circle! Anyway I mentioned it to the nurse whilst getting my chest checked but told her we’re infertile as we tried for 9 years before ivf and my baby is only 4 months old (today yey!) and that it was probably a faulty test. She did a quick test before listening to my chest, as we sat back down she looked at it & confirmed it was negative. No worries! Nice thought but I knew it was ‘impossible’. Anyway she was chatting to me about antibiotics and then glanced back at the test to tell me a second line had appeared! She said she’d take my blood to confirm. Omg!! Could this be?? When I got home I did another test #testgate and it was negative! I fed George & got him sorted, sat back down and…. 

again a second line appeared! This wasn’t planned obviously we thought this was impossible but I preceded to get excited. I have since done a test today which is completely negative. I’m so confused!! I get blood results tomorrow. 

I feel a bit stupid for feeling sad if its negative as I already have my miracle baby but, I can’t help but feel excited at the possibility. I shall update tomorrow! 

Fresh battles every day

So the rollercoaster seemingly never ends with motherhood! My little miracle is doing fantastic but has been diagnosed with cows milk protein allergy and is on a special formula. Truth is, I always knew something wasn’t right hence my anxiety. He’s got bad reflux as well as kidney reflux which he’s on a constant low dose of antibiotics for due to me having kidney disease. He’s covered in an eczema type rash which I’m hoping will clear in time with the new milk, same with the constant snuffle. His weight gain is incredible though! And my little angel is sleeping through (most) nights. 

He truly is my superstar. I’ve been reading my blog back a lot lately and find myself getting emotional because of the struggles we faced. He will never know how incredibly special he is to us. He changes every day and is learning new tricks and loves the sound of his voice. He’s nosey and inquisitive which I love. He copies facial expressions and can hold his head. He knows my voice and looks for me when he hears it. Magic! Music is his therapy, it calms him down – obviously takes after me!